We all dreamed
about that one thing that would come and change our lives forever, that one
person who will come and make us forget about the past and worry less about the
future. I’ve never thought that one day I will accept the fact that I actually
waited for that moment more than anyone and as I write these words I can’t
believe I confessed it.
It’s the
fact that I have lived my entire life without emotions that pushed me to become
what I am now and wait for that special moment more than anyone else. Before I
tell you what happened in my life lately and how hope started becoming a part
of my daily routine I want to take a moment to tell all those wishing they didn’t
have feelings and who try to become heartless and 100% emotion-free, to
fuck-off and stop being silly. It is like kids wishing to be grown-ups so
quickly then regretting the fact that they didn’t enjoy life more when they
were younger.
People who
want to be heartless always say that people like me ae super lucky because we
do not get hurt, which is pretty weird to me. How can you give up everything
that is good and even the bad things in exchange for nothing? Is the high not
even close to being worth the pain?
Why would
you throw away things like: joy, love and hope just to avoid feeling betrayed
or hurt? How can someone give up all those ups and downs just to have
emptiness? How would you survive the void after living a life full of emotions?
They remind
me of people who complain a lot about having a busy life and almost no free
time but I know they won’t survive the routine of having nothing to do at all.
So people,
be who you are and stop trying to change into someone you are not because the
worst thing about wishes is that sometimes they come true. I just want to tell
you that the day you become heartless and cold, you will become a machine in a
flesh-suit, you will have this emptiness inside you that will devour everything
that is good and that void will eat you and torture you in ways you can’t fathom
because there will be some kind of a routine in your emotional existence, well
not a routine because it doesn’t exist anymore, so the routine will be in your
life and that will make you miserable in ways you can’t comprehend. Then,
regret won’t help you because you can no longer get back to your old life.
For me, I spent
enough time in my life being as heartless as a human can be, it reached
psychopathic levels. However, as if the heavens had enough fun watching me
suffer through life with no feelings, they decided it was time for me to stop
watching people love and be loved, feel good and be hurt and finally gave me
some hope that I may start to feel like the “normal” people do so they sent an
amazing lady to my life to turn me into the man I never thought I can get close
to being.
First thing
you have to know is that before I met her I was still living the way most
losers do in between the bottles and easy girls. The moment she came into my
life, nothing remained the same: She played with the rules, toyed with my calm
and she destroyed what I used to call “stability”.
She had
these beautiful blue eyes that I never was able to have enough of, as I prayed
so many times to be able to look at them until the day I die. Eyes that made me
dream, that made me imagine a beautiful and bright future. Eyes that saved me
from myself, that had a way of making me feel relaxed.
She was a
blondie with a hair that shined brighter than anything else around her. I still
remember the first time we kissed, she was sitting on top of me, kissing me
like there was no tomorrow and as we were in the balcony, the moment the sun
rose, it shined on us and I saw the sunshine pass through her hair to give it
the color of gold, then make her freckles become clearer and she became like
one of those beautiful angles you hear about. I felt my heart beat faster than
ever when she smile, I felt as if it was going to leave my chest, I felt my
body weaken, my senses get lost, my brain shut down and my soul escape from my
body because in that moment I wished for nothing more than for it to last
forever, I knew I didn’t need anything else in life and in that exact moment I
knew it, I did, I knew that I have fallen in love and what a scary feeling it
is. I felt scared so I had to be a schmuck and try denying it for the next 6
months.
I am going
to be honest with you, she is not the prettiest girl in the world, I mean you
obviously can always find prettier women somewhere on the map from models to
actresses, however I needed none of those because for me she was perfection.
She wasn’t the world’s smartest or funniest woman, we all know there are female
inventors and comics and she is not one of them but she has this combination of
beauty, wit and intelligence that made me fall for her every second I was with
her. She had this beautiful soul that made me feel shitty for how good she was
and how bad I am. She had this big heart that loved everyone and she had the
innocence and honesty of a child. She was a hard worker, someone who never
gives up and who is always up for a challenge. She had cute reactions, long comforting
hugs, tempting looks and soft lips that I loved to kiss.
She had
this voice that often helped me think and made me dream; a voice I wish I can
hear until the day they put me six feet underground.
She stood
by my side, loved me and was there for me for so long, even when we were living
in separate countries. However, being the moron that I am, I felt that wasn’t
enough and due to the fact that even though I told her I loved her, I tried
hard not accept it because I didn’t know what love is and how people who are in
love should act and therefore I ruined everything and lost her forever.
After a
period of sobriety and intentional loneliness, I understood that I had my first
love and that I let the best thing that has ever happened to me, slip from my
fingers.
The worst
thing about these conclusions is that they come real late, so between
understanding and accepting the fact that I fucked up, then working out the
courage to tell her, almost six months passed and as I was the one who hurt
her, she moved on and I found out that she was dating another guy. So now, she
is probably in love with him while I sit here drinking my pain away, not being
able to forget her or to be truthful, not wanting or willing to forget her
because a year ago we were still in love and now in my heart I still have love
for her, I feel some pain for being without her, sadness because she is gone
and now longer mine, I feel regret and also anger towards myself for fucking up
but most importantly I still have hope that someday somewhere we will meet and
be together again. I do not want her to ruin her life for me because I love her
and I want her to be happy whether she is with me or with someone else but you
can’t blame a man for hoping and dreaming.
Until the
day we meet again and get back together, I just want to tell you that I love
you and wish you a happy anniversary because just few days ago we officially
reached a year of separation…
I love you.
W.H
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