4 years ago, we celebrated my birthday
together. I still remember it like it was yesterday. We went to our favorite
coffee house at the time then around midnight we stayed at my car talking and
kissing, celebrating my first new year with you in my life. We did nothing
crazy that night.
The years after were different, the first
birthday after that, I spent it with close friends drinking and partying. The
one after, I spent it in Serbia at a festival having the time of my life. This
year we went to another city and we spent the day swimming and drinking then we
spent the night also drinking but having a midnight swim at a pool.
Overall, I have been celebrating my
birthday well for the past couple of years. However, I can’t shake the feeling
that the best birthday celebration I have ever had was with you alone in that
car.
You have remained the best memory in my
life no matter what I did and no matter how many insane or amazing things I
tried.
Usually, I am not the envious kind and I
have always felt happy when I saw people get things they love or have happy
moments but lately I can’t help but feel that there is a part of me that gets
super jealous of people being in relationships and looking happy. Even though I
hate to admit it, that part is there and it is driving me insane.
Every little cure moment I see reminds me
of what I could be having with you.
I have also always tried to be content with
what I have in life. My motto was always: “Fuck the grass on the other side,
try to appreciate what you have on yours.”
So I tried to enjoy the little things in my
life and create moments of happiness for myself without comparing what u have
to what people do. However lately all I do is feel like something is missing in
my life and that people who are happy are having what I am lacking which is
being with “the one”. So here I am without you, all alone. I guess it is
torture being in in love.
Love is weird you know. I mean you can
never be sure whether you are in love or not. You can only say that while being
100% certain of your statement after losing your partner. When I was with you,
I knew I loved you but I didn’t know how much exactly until I lost you.
You probably think that you are better now
after 4 years but you only say that because I am not around. The few times we
talked during these years show that you are not over me and that we still have
that special bond and no matter how long we stay away from each other, the fire
will be hiding under the ashes waiting for a reason to burn bright again.
If I had to compare it to something, I
would say that our love is like a volcano that has been silent for years. It
doesn’t mean it is dead, it only means it is waiting for a good reason and the
right time to erupt again.
I guess it is the fact that you drove me
insane when we are together that pushed me to take things a bit for granted and
not focus on how much I was falling for you and it is the same reason why I
can’t move on. You challenged me mentally and developed me emotionally. You
were so cute it hurts. You were so damn perfect that I couldn’t imagine myself
ruining the beautiful thing we had until I did. However back then, everything
came second to my career and professional future.
I know that I can pretend and fake it to
look like I am better now but that is only possible because you are not around.
You are thousands of miles away, probably engaged to that moron you were dating
last time we talked.
However the truth is different and if you
were around I would have given you everything and I would have done anything to
keep you happy.
But life goes on, doesn’t it? I promise you
we'll be okay because after all you are only the love of my life.
Happy birthday again my love.
Ps: I know your birthday is in a couple of days
